I really just wanted to check in with everyone and send you some love. I have an amazing article that was sent to me and I feel like it's everything I've been feeling and haven't been able to articulate. I'm having a hard time with that lately- so bear with me. Before I post the link I wanted to share some of my reflections on these last few weeks.
If you'd like to connect you can email me back (firstname.lastname@example.org) or leave a comment here.
I feel like theres two very distinct things happening right now. One- people are extremely triggered by sitting with themselves without distraction and two- people are being completely paralyzed by the unknown.
You know that feeling when things are just so fucked up that it makes you question your entire life? I'm there with you.
On the most basic level, I have hope that this is what's happening to humans. I think about myself a year or two ago and I keep asking - 'would she mentally survive this?' and I don't know. I feel like there's a group of us (most likely you if you're here) that have been slowly preparing for this shift for years without even knowing it. We already have been questioning and purging our lives, and this crisis doesn't come as such an extreme awakening as it might for others.
We've been the ones sitting with ourselves. We were the ones who took a step back and questioned our need to consume, our relationship with fast fashion, the weight we put on external beauty, our purpose in this lifetime- I feel like this is our time. While the world spun itself into an obsession with influencers, beauty, and gaining clout- we did the opposite. We peeled back the layers instead of packing them on. We have connected to this Universe far before we were forced to.
I can't imagine Laura in 2018 doing well right now- I mean let's be honest I'm still struggling with this like everyone else- but her, she would have crumbled in days. The Laura who needed to get a spray tan every week because she refused to let her boyfriend see her pale cellulite and freckles. The Laura who couldn't spend any time in silence because she was busy drowning out her trauma, her intuition, her soul. The Laura who could not see her worth outside of a perfect mani/pedi, micro-bladed eyebrows, hair extensions, lip injections, breast implants, and disordered eating. Imagine the Laura who could not allow a single flaw to be present- in a situation where she had no access to any of those distractions. How painful would it be- and is it- for those who have never done any inner work? For those who have never asked themselves these questions and cannot stand to be alone with themselves- my heart goes out to them. Every awakening comes with a trauma, and this is a big one for a lot of people.
This is a time where those who have never gone inside of themselves are being forced to confront it all. The shadow work that many of us have sought- is now the one seeking others, and there's no distraction. Or maybe the distraction is the constant working out, the constant pressure to create. The reading, the writing, the work. The building of an ~online business~. Imagine the torture of never being okay with slowing down? Of never letting yourself rest because you've replayed old, outdated messages from someone you trusted about your worth being tied to your ability to produce? What is the real failure? Enjoying the quiet or never allowing yourself to?
I wish I could say I'm someone who is completely sober of those thoughts, but I'm not. How could we be? How could you live on planet Earth and not feel the vibrations of pressure to be the best version of yourself 24/7? I would be lying if I said I didn't feel like a failure from time-to-time. But you know what keeps me going? Knowing that when I look back on the various versions of Laura- she is constantly evolving. She is constantly healing. She always did her best. It's like the saying "does a fish know it's in water?", do we really know when we're shifting and evolving and healing ourselves in the moment? Not always. But we do feel the discomfort, the hesitations, the fear, the uncertainty and the questioning of our potential- and that's the sign. That's the beauty. That right there is the shit that keeps you alive. The friction that refuses to let you become complacent. The discomfort that forces you to keep walking when your feet hurt because you know you're almost home, and if you stopped now you don't know if you'd be able to get yourself back up again.
That's where we are. And becoming comfortable in this place of discomfort is the ultimate win. You don't have to expend endless energy, consume, create, read, write, spend money, or work out constantly to get to that place. You don't need anything external at all.
You just need to be able to look at and within yourself and trust that what you are doing in this exact moment is what you should be doing, it's where you should be. You need to get comfortable checking in with yourself and asking what it is you want to do- instead of what it is you are expected to do. You need to be okay making decisions for yourself that go against the grain of society. You need to be okay in silence, with your own thoughts. You need to be okay with not being liked by everyone.
I've seen a lot of people have an identity crisis over the last few weeks. What happens when the external things that made you "you" are gone? What happens when you can't do the things you created an identity around? What happens when people are distant and you can't call on them to fill the void.
There are lots of quotes floating around about how we don't need to come out of this a different person but I will ask, how could we not? What is someone doing to distract themselves so heavily during this time that they would come out of this unfazed? Unevolved? Disconnected?
And with that, I give you this article. As you know I've been using psilocybin once a month to release mental health patterns and expand my consciousness- this article seriously says it all, it's the most beautiful and inspiring interpretation of our current world.
Enjoy, my love.