I get overwhelmed. I get discouraged. I second guess myself.
I think it's one of the hardest things in the world to constantly aim to be the person who pushes back against the bullshit of society. It's painfully lonely to always be the person who speaks honestly and makes people uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good to be rubbed the wrong way by something and have to sit back and be like, "Was that really not okay or am I the problem here, why doesn't anyone else see an issue with this?!"
It can feel yucky to be the person who stands for everything opposite to what is popular or accepted, it would just be so much easier to go with the flow and be liked by others- but it's not who I am, it's not who I've ever been, and it's not who I think you are.
Not listening to the limiting beliefs of your parents, the doubts of your partner or the "realistic" advice friends give you can be painful. You realize that you can't make other people feel comfortable or happy while also living the life you dream of. If someone is going to be uncomfortable about how you live your life- should it be you? Were you born just to make your parents happy? Were you born just to be a good partner? Were you born to be a supporting actor in someone else's feature film? Fuck no! If you're in this space there's a solid chance you're either the disrupter of your circles or you want to be. The only difference between the two is that the disrupters have already given up on being liked, and the dreamers are the ones who still hold on thinking they can be both honest and loved by everyone. Disrupters know it doesn't feel good, but they take on the challenge because authenticity and honesty are more important than anything. Because living your one life the way you have dreamt of is your human right. Sometimes I feel like I'm evolving and learning and growing at such a rapid pace that I don't even have time to form a comfort zone, friendships, or some kind of "normal" for myself. If we're being honest I'm constantly on the verge shitting myself. Before the scab of a comfort zone can even heal, here I am ripping it off with a new opportunity, a new challenge, a new project that I've never done before and sometimes I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of change.
It can be isolating and lonely to prioritize your growth and success because you will go through 100 different versions of yourself to get there and not everyone will be down for the ride. That is okay, let them go.
But maybe this is what growth feels like. Maybe this is what high-achievers are talking about when they say it's lonely at the top- not because there are few successful people, but because success requires you to sacrifice a lot along the way and not many people are willing to 'let go' to that degree. Over the last few weeks, I have been sifting through new opportunities and literally almost paralyzing myself not knowing which ones I align with or not. I know this can seem very much like a humble brag- but I think you know me by now. None of this is appealing to me. I have been finding that people and opportunities I thought I would die to align with are more disappointing than how social media presents them. When I meet people I look up to or show up to an event where the organizers don't know how to create safe spaces I get pissed. I start doubting myself. I start spiralling into a place mentally where I feel like I'm so alone in this battle for REAL, TRUE, AUTHENTIC PEOPLE AND SPACES.
I consider myself a CHAMPION of sniffing out bullshit and yet sometimes I can't spot it because it is so fucking easy to pretend to be something you're not online. I feel duped. I feel like I'm going insane sometimes with the number of things that bother me about modern society, influencer culture and the amount of effort it takes to remain myself and still show up while navigating it all- and fighting it all. I guess I just want you all to know what this kind of growth is really like. I don't want to discourage you but I want to take out the glamour, the frills, and misleading visuals of it all and share the actual real honest truth. I don't want anyone else internalizing their frustrations as a failure because they